Kyoto Protocol

When last we left out intrepid adventure he was deep in the throws of slumber, preparing for a day exploring the city of Osaka with no knowledge of the language and utter bewilderment at how to operate the railway system.

Having woken up to watch the World Cup final, I was thoroughly exhausted Monday morning and the lack of sleep from the last several days plus forgetting to set an alarm clock resulted in me sleeping in well past my optimal wake up time until about noon on Monday. Upon waking up I realized I didn’t have any sort of a plan of attack for the say so I did some quick Googling and formulated a game plan. I decided to head towards the riverside part of the city were there were some touristy spots and even Universal Studios Japan. In all honestly I seriously considered just going to the theme park for the day. I haven’t ridden a roller coaster in years and it would’ve been a lot of fun. And as a kicker, Universal Studios Japan was to open their version of the Wizarding World of Harry Potter that week. Had it been opening day I probably would have gone, because Harry Potter is cool and I imagine it would’ve been entirely worth the price of admission just for the people watching of Japanese Harry Potter fans but sadly opening day was Tuesday so instead I opted to go to the Osaka Aquarium.

Me getting my artist, looking out the train window shot as I embark on my solo venture.

However getting the aquarium was a whole different kettle of fish. Like I said I don’t speak a lick of Japanese and the railway system was not super conducive to the uninitiated. I figured it ou as best I could but to get where I was going required 2 different train changes and boy howdy did that flummox me. Once you got on the train it was pretty easy to ride it to your desired destination; however when I say train changes I don’t mean hop on and off at the same station but walk all over hell and half acre to find the other location in the same spot and go through different turn-styles and buy new tickets at each one and all that. Navigating the changeovers was exceedingly difficult and by the time I had finally arrived at my destination, the day was well into its existence. The aquarium was set on the river and a massive cube shaped building with a mall and a giant Ferris wheel. I spent a good chunk of time moseying along the riverside and taking in the view before buying my ticket and heading up the stairs into the aquarium.

Big ass Ferris wheel.

Could that place be anything other than an aquarium? Seriously, even if you removed the fish murals from the side that architecture screams aquarium. Or possibly post-modernist art museum.

At one point in time the Osaka Aquarium was the biggest in the world. It has since been surpassed by the Atlanta Aquarium which I’ve only been to one before (on a delightful date) even though I live in Atlanta. Be that as I may, all the guidebooks suggest you go check the aquarium out and thus I went. Now by and large most aquariums are relatively the same: fish in jars. However, to their credit I found the overall layout of the Osaka Aquarium much better than the Atlanta one and I greatly enjoyed myself. The Atlanta Aquarium has more cool things at it like the Beluga whales and the excellent (and extraordinarily cheesy) dolphin show, but Osaka still had a lot of cool things and really, I could have just spent all day staring at the otters in their enclave or looking at the massive open water tank. In fact, I did spend a good deal of time doing just that. Aquarium’s are very peaceful and it made me miss the islands and scuba diving. This is my last week of work and while originally I had planned to go to Ankgor Wat in Cambodia, a good piece of me wants to bail on that on go to Koh Tao and get diving again.

That may look like a stick but it is actually a massive salamander. I mean hot damn. China grows some big ass lizards.

An otter playing. These things were the best and if anyone ever wants to know the key to my heart, tell them to buy me an otter pup.

This sea lion was just lounging.

Penguins are he most awkward animal in creation. Fat and waddling. I wonder if they taste good. Maybe they're like chicken of the ice. I should ask an Eskimo

It's like the sawing a woman in half magic trick only in the dolphin enclave. Seriously, this picture is awesome. Water is so cool.

Seriously. Tell me this guy isn't the most adorable thing on the planet. He did this for like twenty minutes. I know because I sat and watched him the whole time.

I tried real hard to get a selfie with the big shark in the tank but this was the best I could pull off. Apparently they also have a whale shark but he was currently at the vet or something. Also, sidebar on selfies: I used to be against them but now I'm kinda ambivalent. However, if you're the type of person who runs around with a "selfie stick" (a retractable pole which you can use to take a selfie with so its like getting someone else to take your photo only not having to interact with humans) you are the worst and I dislike you and you're hurting the world. If the nukes start flying in twenty years I'm pretty sure it's because people like you removed all human interaction and thus compassion and made it even easier to press the nuclear button.

Osaka Aquarium has a serious case of crabs.

That is an absolute fleet of stingrays coming right for me. If this were the open ocean I would have raised the water level a bit out of fear.

Look at how fat this guy is! He literally spent 10 minutes trying to roll over and couldn't manage it on the ice because he was so hefty. Good thing you're not in the arctic guy, you'd be easy shark food.

They had a petting pool that was actually better than Atlanta's. The sharks and rays were much bigger. 

Some sloths just hanging around. Not sure why these are here in the aquarium but I'm just going with it.

Like I said I spent an inordinate amount of time at the aquarium being amongst the fish and aquatic mammals so that, coupled with my late hour of departure meant that by the tie I left the day was well into it’s adolescence. Like I said before there was a mall right net to the aquarium with a giant Ferris wheel on top, and seeing how I do love me some views from high places I decided it was imperative I make my way to it. So I did and rode it once around which actually ended up being rather peaceful and enjoyable and had some killer views of Osaka by the riverfront.

Aquarium

Bridge to Universal Studios.

Back towards the city.

Heights are the coolest. You can see so much stuff. Sometimes I feel like Yertle the Turtle.

After my ride on the wheel it was getting late and I was supposed to meet Tyler’s friend Brian for dinner so I made contact and plans to meet up and then headed back through the mall. This time I lingered around a bit more and stopped in some stores to see what they were peddling and broaden my cultural horizons. Nothing was super out of the ordinary although there were some interesting differences, my favorite being the prevalence of those gumball machines that instead of gumballs have tiny toys or rings or stickers in them. There were roughly 10 billion of those things around with all manner of objects inside, including one that sold full-blown Rubik’s Cubes. The mall is also the place where I noticed a fun anomaly that occurs in Japan. The Japanese love English words on shirts and bags and stuff and they aren’t too particular on whether those words makes sense at all. This results in the most enjoyable amalgamations of nonsense like “Lithe Words” and “Money is like much nothing.” In one of the most advanced countries in the world, which is likely populated by a great number of people who speak English seeing how most of the modern industrial world has some basic understanding of the language, it is inconceivable to me that the manufacturers of these items don’t know that they’ve scrawled gibberish on their shirts and handbags so I’m left wondering the purpose and origin of this curious behavior. Perhaps it really is just an issue of language barrier (I mean Americans get tattoos with Japanese and Chinese script all the time and I’m fairly certain none of those mean what their owners think they mean) but I’m inclined to think its not as the most technologically advanced country on the planet probably has access to the Google machine which would instantly inform them that “The Big Get Your Heaven” doesn’t mean anything in any known language. So then that means they like having nonsense on their clothing but for what reason I do not know. It truly boggles the mind.

I don't need you I'm on the Rubik's Cube Team! (Only Jamie will get that one.) 

No idea what this is.

Ninja selfie.

I don't know, can I?

See. This is almost sensical (the irony is not lost on me that I am talking about words without meaning and I proceed to make up the word "sensical," that's a little thing called meta-humor) but just really misses the mark. Also, considering I think I saw one blade of grass in the entirety of Japan I'm not sure how much hunting goes on on this island.

This might be my favorite sign in history. Is is just lost in translation or is it a sale only for those who know true values? my personal favorite interpretation is that it is a store filled with complete trash and the sign is trying to convince you that things are so cheap in there because of the sale and not because the products themselves aren't worth a nickel. I then went in side to investigate and confirmed my theory, unless of course you really enjoy $300 stuffed tigers and hello kitty pocket protectors.

Anywho, post Ferris wheel and mall I re-entered the labyrinth that was Osaka’s metro system finally coming out at my destination near Tyler’s apartment to meet up with Brian for dinner. We met with another one of Brian’s friends who was, you guessed it, teaching English and ate t this little hole in the wall spot a few blocks from the apartment. We ate tapas style and all of it was pretty damn delectable though the particulars of the meal escape me aside from a good old fashion Japanese kabob that was particularly enjoyable. The place we were eating also doubled as a bar so Brian and Steve and I spent the next several hours eating bar food, drinking Japanese beer (which is garbage), and swapping stories; the night progressed pretty quickly and I enjoyed myself immensely. Eventually Tyler got done with his work obligations and joined up with us and then we started swapping stories in earnest, talking about the good old days of when Tyler and I were in college. After spending 6 weeks abroad with minimal contact with my friends I’ll admit to being a little homesick and falling back into the inside jokes and mannerisms that accompany old friendships was a welcome reprieve from the loneliness of being a farang in Bangkok.

The male Japanese population was all about some short sleeve button downs. It was like riding the metro with hundreds of high school science teachers,

There is a non-zero population here that actually was walking around int he traditional kimono and garb.

The next day we once again let our propensity for sleeping in take hold and ended up leaving Tyler’s apartment a couple hours later than originally intended. Since Osaka is only about an hour-long ride on the rail from Kyoto we decided to take a day trip. Kyoto has more temples and shrines and cultural things to piddle around with and I figured it would be a good idea to see some more of old Japan in contrast to the bustling modern metropolis that is Osaka.

Sidebar: Once I realized the metro went all the way to Kyoto and beyond that is when I really decided that Japan does public transit right. It was an hour to ride to Kyoto and only a little longer to go to Hiroshima. Hell if you want to pay a little more for the bullet train you can get to Tokyo in only 2 hours. And none of this is super expensive. Just remarkable how efficient and functional it all was. Couple this with their highly advanced toilets (things have more buttons on them than a massage chair) and aforementioned verticality of the city and it is hard to imagine a city in more stark contrast to Bangkok. I enjoyed both places immensely but they were just entirely different cultural experiences. Except for the rice. Both countries eat a lot of rice.

Upon arrival in Kyoto our first stop was to Kinkakuji, the Temple of the Golden Pavilion. It’s a zen Buddhist temple that is all types of peaceful. The temple is completely covered in gold leaf with a solid gold rooftop ornament and it sits on the edge of a pond, beset with trees and other greenery. This was my first real exposure to the zen gardens and atmosphere and the best way to describe it is serene. You now that feeling you get when you go into churches or museums or libraries or even around the temples in Bangkok? The feeling where the weight of history and propriety hangs in the air like a fog and rapacious activities like “sneezing” or “speaking above a whisper” are tamped down like an elephant sitting on your chest? Well the feeling in these temples was the exact opposite of that (well not exact opposite because that is probably some sort of hedonistic bacchanalia to rival Sodom, but rather on the same X axis as that feeling but in totally different zip codes on the Y axis). People were quiet and respectful but I certainly never felt oppressed by social faux pas; rather the entire temple was peaceful and soothing.

The Temple

Me, at the temple.

Okay, let's be serious. That thing is pretty sweet.

So feng shui. (Pronounced Fun-g Shooey for those not acclimated to the Japanese culture.

Temple backside, up close and personal.

I'm pretty sure half the serenity of these places is due to the waterfalls. 

Not sure what this is but it looked cultural.

This was the entry to the temple. I was pretty lucky to have such good weather during my short stay there.

After with left the temple of solid gold we then did something I had hoped Tyler’s presence would prevent: we go lost. Well not lost so much as we sat in confusion for a bit while T-Money, who had been to Kyoto several times before, tried to remember which way to go to make our way to the next temple he wanted me to see. After some deliberation we ended up jumping on a bus across town. Almost immediately though Tyler determined we were going the wrong way but because we are dumbass we stayed on the bus under the thinking that “perhaps it is going to double back around in a minute.” No one ever said we were geniuses. After about 10 minutes of driving steadily in the wrong direction we finally came the conclusion that our best way forward was to get off and catch the next bus going back to where we came from; however, through divine providence or perhaps the golden horseshoe luck that follows me around like a stray dog I fed scraps to, right across from the bus stop we randomly decided to disembark on was a large gate leading to what looked to be a pretty fun temple. So in the spirit of adventure we entered through the gate and decided to have a poke around.

That is not a small gateway that's for sure.

This temple was in a much bigger compound, spacious and sprawling. The entrance gate was huge and off to the left was the best part of my trip to Japan. The place we had stumbled upon happened to be Ninna-Ji,, the temple of the Omuro school of the Shingon Sect of Buddhism (founded in 888 which seems to indicate divine providence, 8 being my lucky number and all – for those not in the know, I was born 8/8/88 and weighed 8 lbs and 8 ounces, seems I was fated to find this place). Now none of that means much to me but the point is this place was a school for Buddhist learning and the rock garden/prayer area was about the most peaceful place in the whole world. I don’t particularly ascribe to feng shui or meditation but I will admit whatever they had going on in that place worked. It was bigger than the other temple but it was almost entirely unpopulated, I guess because it set off from the rest of the city, and all the open space with no one around was just a delight. There was a very nice rock garden, a bunch of old wooden platforms (the monks there specialized in woodwork) and a waterfall that really added to the ambiance of the whole spot. We stuck around the rock garden area for a bit (I could have stayed forever; no better place in the word to just curl up with a book and get lost in yourself) and then inspected the rest of the compound that has some fun buildings and a five-story pagoda that was pretty neat. We finally headed out but as we did we both agree that this was a wonderful find and fortuitous to say the least.

These are not super in order but I've already spent a ton of time on this post and I just want to be done with it now. Some meditation room in the entrance of the temple.

Barren fatness.

Rock garden. The raked gravel represents the water and rocks represent islands or something. 

They got wood

He's so damn tall. It's great. I could never lose him in crowds over there.

Moss garden

Cool angle of the rock garden. That is some type of fastidiousness to do that raking.

Zen like whoa.

And more.

Wall paintings.

More wall paintings.

Meditation chamber.

Last one I swear.

So cultural

Okay I lied. But this one is from a higher angle!

Big ass gate.

Five-story pagoda.

Photography is all about angles and timing. Check those sun rays coming in from both sides. The low angle from the corner of the pagoda and Tyler nonchalantly involved. I might start teaching classes.

This compound had a lot of buildings which looked cool and I have no idea what any of them were for.

I really liked the white on mahogany contrast.

This must be getting tedious for you. Fortunately, that round is done.

After our brief, unplanned detour we got back on the bus and road it across town to the actual temple we had intended on going to see which was Kiyomizu Temple. It has some history of something Buddhist but really, we were going there because it is set in this hillside with a fantastic view of Kyoto and love me a view. Now most temples are the same but this one was at least as different as could be expected al things considering. Since it’s on hillside there are stairs which is already a little different and right there at the entrance they have a sort of “test of strength” area which has 3 different metal objects to lift up that are heavier than an elephant on Jupiter. Actually, two of the objects are pretty manageable, a set of steel slippers and a small pike to raise up out of its resting place; but the third object, the true test of strength, is a large metal pole set in the center of square. It has one small hand grip on the right side of it and the only way to get to it is to lean over the barrier, which means it is difficult to get any type of grip on it and because you have to lean off your center to grab it, lifting with your knees isn’t much of an option. We watched a whole host of people take a swing at it but nary a one of them had any success. Finally I got up there to try my hand and I too was rebuffed by the mighty steel pillar. It was definitely heavy as all get out but I’m pretty convinced I could have gotten it if I was able to have my hips closer to the base than 2 feet out.

Saw this guy running around Kyoto. Maybe my favorite picture ever taken.

See! People wear them. Seems miserable.

We ate some beef dumplings from a cart. These things were delicious. Japan had solid food all around.

Me and my eternal shame. I demand hand grips!

After testing my strength and finding out its limits we moved on to the rest of the temple. Not too terribly much to report here other than me getting in the tourist line to ring a bowl by hitting it. I say bowl, but Tyler disagreed and claimed it was a bell. We had a brief argument on what constitutes a bell with him making the point that really, a bell and a bowl are the same thing just one of them is upside down, to which I responded that by that logic a frown and a smile are the same thing, you idiot. So I hit the bowl/bell and, being my overenthusiastic self, I smacked the crap out of it whereas everyone else was giving it love taps. No wonder the world hates Americans. Then we went and enjoyed the view from up high for a while. It was spectacular and I wish I could have seen it at night. The temple is up on a hill and Kyoto is sort of set in a valley so the view really was incredible. And even a less major city like Kyoto was still just overflowing with buildings and people. A nighttime view would have been pretty swell I’d imagine.

Obligatory photo to prove I'm not completely making this stuff up.

That is a bowl and if you disagree we can fight. Read my past blogs to see what a formidable kickboxer I am.

That's a little thing called "Art."

Ze view.

We walked down the hill and through some fun areas with shops and traditional Japanese buildings. Kyoto is an older, more traditional city in Japan and there is a lot of tourism around the fact that there are relatively “pure” streets you can wander down. We did some of this and ended up at a Shrine that was supposed to have a lantern festival going on; sadly a thing like a lantern festival works best at night and so we arrived a little early for anything truly fun to be going on. I did get a chance to eat some Japanese street food, fried octopus balls and their version on lemonade, which is sort of like what I imagine homemade Sprite tastes like, poop soup (They say it’s lemon and lime but there has got to be more to it than that). We walked around the park some and then thought it best to head back to Osaka for dinner and my last night out on the town.

Dinner that evening was an interesting experience. We ate at a kushikatsu spot, which I suppose can be described as a Japanese fondue place. It was a tiny hole in the wall with just a bar counter to sit at and a tiny square TV wedged in the top right corner of the ceiling with the baseball game on. The 4 of us (me, Tyler, his girlfriend, and one of his friends) sat at the counter and I was then put in the fun situation of being the only person in this shoebox who didn’t speak Japanese. So while the three of them conversed with the owner and chef I twiddled my thumbs and admired the fantastic logo of the Osaka Tigers on the TV. Eventually they ordered us some beer and various kabobs. The deal was: the chef behind the counter had a pot of boiling oil and would fry up some skewers for us and then deposit one on each of our plates, continue until such time as the customers are done eating. There was a wide variety of options and we dabbled in all of them, from cuttlefish to cheese balls to snow crab to tarot root. Most of it was pretty good however there was one major problem: apparently when eating in a restaurant of this style it is rude to the proprietor to forestall eating the kabob even though he literally withdraws it from the oil and hands it to you meaning every bit of food he gives you is fresh out of the fire and hotter than the Devil sunbathing in the Sahara. I have no idea why this rule exists but my best guess is that a long time ago someone in the Japanese hierarchy decided that the human tongue was a foul and dishonorable thing and should be summarily punished. Short of that I have no idea why the Japanese people insisted in burning off my taste buds but outside of that the meal was quite enjoyable.

That guy wants to make sure his belt doesn't go anywhere. Sadly, it apparently escaped SuperMax belt security prison because as you can clearly see he wears no belt here.

These are the manhole covers in Japan. I dig it.

The skewer selection for dinner.

T-Money and his girlfriend. We were all a bit fat and tired after dinner.

Not really in relation to anything just a fun sidebar. So in response (not sure that's the right word considering the amount of time between original action and subsequent rebuttal but you get the idea) to kabuki theatre, which is traditional Japanese theatre enacted by an all male cast, this all female theatre troop has come about and apparently they are infinitely better than kabuki theatre spots and kicking their asses. I believe it if only because I saw roughly 12,000 ads for them and nothing for kabuki. Suck on that patriarchy.

We lingered at dinner for a bit, “enjoying” trashy Japanese beer before making our way to the Umeda Sky building which is one of the more recognizable landmarks in Osaka and only a quick walk from Tyler’s apartment. I won’t pretend like I have any concept of the significance of the building or anything but what I do know is that it is two towers bridged by a cylindrical “hanging gardens” which supposedly has one of the best views of Osaka; and as previously outlined here I sure do love me a scenic view. So we made our way to the building and then up to the top which was interesting in that the only way to the gardens was to take an elevator to the tope and then ride an escalator that went from one tower to the other, shooting the center circle as it were. Having navigated this all and paid the entry fee I can confirm to you that the view up there is a special type of wonderful and my only regret is that I do not live in Osaka because I can think of few date spots better than the hanging gardens of the Umeda Sky building. The view, the little alcoves with two person couches to sit upon and gaze out at the city, the actual garden area outside when walking around the top, not to mention the mood setting music of the whole place all lead me to think that whatever enterprising young soul who should bring his or her date to the sky building would reap the benefits later. I mean when I finally made it to the top and saw the view if you were listening very closely you could probably here the faint thud of my own underpants dropping 600 feet below.

View of Umeda from below. That center section is where the next photos are taken from and apparently was constructed in whole on the ground and then was raised up between them. Neato.

Now that's a little bit of terrific.

I hate these blurred phottooooos. I do not want them.

Dueling escalators through the middle gap.

This is why I dig on views from high places.

Told yuo this was a date spot. Tyler and I. True love. Also, doing the double peace sign that Japanese people all make in every photo ever taken apparently. I saw so much of this it was insane.

We lingered up there for a good long while so I could drink in the view on my last night in Japan and then finally head out. We grabbed a beer and a few snacks from the 7-11 as we walked (I ended up eating about 300 eclairs while I was there because they were 50 cents in the stores, cold, and the only baked good I’ve seen in months; they were delicious) chatted and just casually enjoyed the evening. Suddenly the time had gotten away from us and the evening was rather late, with us needing to wake up in a few hours, me to go to the airport Tyler to go to work, so we made our way home and crashed. In the morning we got up and Tyler walked me, kindergarten style, to the bus stop I needed to be at to go to the airport and then we said our goodbyes, hugged it out, and he left. I caught the bus to the airport and then boarded my flight to Kuala Lumpur, this time having a row to myself. In KL I had a very short layover and had to run to the McDonalds where I ended being short 1 ringgit (about a quarter) but the cashier was very nice and let me be short instead of having to change out some more money. See, there are good people still in the world. Other than that nothing of interest which I suppose is fantastic news considering all the unfortunate aircraft accidents that have been happening in this half of the word all summer. Good thing I only have one more flight left, my one home, which coincidentally goes to Amsterdam on a course not unlike the one that just got shot down in the Ukraine. I sure hope they get this stuff under control in the next 2 weeks.

In the security line on my way out Japan informed me that samurai swords were not an acceptable carry on item. WHAT?!?! That is just madness.

Wanna know how I know you're a world traveler? You've got 4 different currencies in your wallet. 

(US dollar, Thai Baht, Japanese Yen, Malaysian Ringgit)

So I landed back in good ol’ Bangity Kok, another adventure in the books. I had a fantastic time seeing an old buddy and adventuring around Japan. Had I been afforded more time in the country I most certainly would have taken trips to Hiroshima and Tokyo but since Tuesday was my last day I suppose I now have an excellent reason to go back and see Tyler again. Next week (this week) is my last week of working in the Bangkok office and then I head to Cambodia for a week to see Angkor Wat and go where the wind takes me. Until then.

Jed